Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts

The Spoilt Child Who Became a God (chapter One)

Author: Gianni Truvianni

Once upon a time there was a child who had enormous powers beyond even his own comprehension though where he obtained them was never made clear to any of those around him nor were the reasons for him wielding them. Naturally, those who accompanied him too had powers but not to equal his own though they too lived eternally as did he who they called “God” while they were referred to as “Angels”. Amongst these Angels; it was the one who was given many a name which stretched from “Lucifer” to “Satan” who was mightiest of all. The spoilt child was specially close to this one who though under him in power even surpassed him in devious ways of deception which in concert they would use to their mutual benefit and mirth.

All of those in the place called “Heaven” had a fondness for one another but none could rival the spoilt child and this special Angel; for what came between them was an understanding that needed not explanations to them for they were one of the same and were they differed they complimented one on another by possessing what the other lacked. This union would come to be vital as time surpassed in its relentless ways; in greatness that could not be accounted for by measure. This in contrast to the limited patience of the spoilt child that reached his with the angels he had created. Truth could be found that they were his friends and he could count on them to remain as such but yet were theirs was respect; worship it was not for what in him should requite it of them?

Had the spoilt child’s creations which were the Angels been handed too much strength that they needed not bow down to his every whim as he had originally intended them to or perhaps now desired them to? Was the case one that like he their time was unlimited and were not ones to require him to the point of feeling the longing to look up to in awe of what he was for they were not so much below him? Reasons, there might have been but this was not a matter as what was at issue in place was the “ego” of he who in error made his companions too much to his own strength. This leaving them no room for what he praised as truly being subjective to him. Regret was his; for in his desire to prove what he could accomplish. He undoubtedly had over played his generosity with these creatures which he now needed with argument more so then they did he. Long for them to kneel to him he did yet in all he knew he had not installed in them such notions as they even inhabited his home where they would do so for all time to come.

Sadness compiled with despair was what came over the spoilt child who had so much wanted to be all to those he created in having their adoration, fear of his judgment and so much more but in this he had been introduced to the failure of his own magnificence which witnessed him change to take up the ways of the egotistical, self-centered and aloof. All to an even greater extent then his past had known.

The spoilt child was one who defined the eternal meaning of what never could end for it had always been and would be. This however made him one who would and could not change or progress for doing so had a significance of moving forward which would have lead to a point which undoubtedly and inevitably would have lead to a conclusion that would have been a termination to not only himself but those that encompassed him. Stagnation was theirs of those in heaven as his was theirs and theirs was his for if the present does not alter; if it is always what be then and if it be such there can not be a future and without this ingredient the past also does not exit for all we contact is now. All this made a world where ideas where not new; for they had been played out and put on to practice but problematic this was for what could be the way to give raise to new as opposed to simply developing the already created.

The spoilt child’s knowledge was great for he knew all; with nothing escaping his awareness however his was the lack of progress in being able to make use of the facts he had stored in his mind that would have lead to wisdom. For though he was powerful there were certain realities which he could not change with one counting among them that wisdom only was to be taken and henceforth had by those who applied it in their experience but how could he accomplish this? To gain such which he wanted but feared for many a reason.

His might not be charm like he had only known to exist but pain and suffering but without crossing these bridges his destination would not be reached but above all their was a price for what he needed most. This precisely worded being mortality; a sacrifice of his immortality would have to be made for this experience of all the beauty of the senses would have to be made. All would be and could be his but only for time that be limited for when it was handed in eternity, appreciation was decreased as abundance gave less significance to what was to be had. If he tasted the food it meant he could hunger for it, if he had youth it left him with no alternative but to have its opposite and if his had known the joy of a begging that sees hopes arise; it like a top to a bottom where one can not be if there is not the other an end was bound to arise which strong as he might be he would not defer from himself. The flesh was what he lusted for but this too implied that it could wither; if his being should be composed of it though the touch of another might bring ecstasy like neither him nor those around him would ever experience for theirs were not bodies but spirits that had not a home that time or others could devastate.

Emotions, passions, ecstasy, yearnings, lust and all that was of true grandeur he was denied of as in him they had no use; for this was not a structure that he would though could have for where there was a front there was a back and he knew he could not have for himself what he truly wanted; as the result would be renunciation of the spirit he was which represented what would always be and never alter or progress. His dilemma, this was greater though for even if he could alter the rules and gain his goals without making his being wither; another complication it would create which Lucifer warned him of. If the spoilt child were to have his way and take joy from that which had become to be true grandeur; would not suffering be applied or emerge from him if he were to taste what was truly grand and have it snatched from him by its absence. Torture would be his to savor if true grandeur were to come and leave behind emptiness for true grandeur’s avoid after having entered would reach beyond even his eternity.

What options did the spoilt child have but to never gain what his fear of consequence would always deny him? If he could or would not dare then an idea was planted in him by his beloved Lucifer. Another group of beings would have to be created; who were far less powerful then himself or those around him, those who could never cause ill to him, those he could rule as he wished and even torture when his will or need for amusement called for it. Always under the pretext that his will was not leading them. He would have his worshipers, who would adore him and place him even beyond themselves though they would be but experiment to him whose height would sore so much above them that they would have alternatives limited to worshiping or be accompanied by the wrath he could not display on his Angels. Disposable they would be bearing the names of Humans while installing in them the trepidation of him which he overlooked for the ones he had created before.

About the Author:

My name is Gianni Truvianni, I am an author who writes with the simple aim of sharing his ideas, thoughts and so much more of what I am with those who are interested in perhaps reading something new. As for the details regarding my life I would say that there is nothing that lifts them above the ordinary. I was born in New York City in 1967 on May 21st and am presently living in Warsaw, Poland where I wrote my first book “New York’s Opera Society” now Available on Amazon.



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Showing Boxers Can Impede Criminals Eluding Police

Author: Dan Bimrose

I, like most respectable rational people just do not get it. The "it" I am referring to is the fashion trend that leads certain people to allow their jeans and/or shorts to fall half way down their rear end.

Perhaps I am just not in touch anymore. Perhaps I am just being "old". After all I used to wear cut off and mesh shirts during the summers when I was a young teen. Thank goodness I never wore spandex bike shorts.

Something tells me though that this trend is a little different. When I see a young man dressed like this I feel that more than likely he is not going to be a contributor to the good of society. The lower his drawers go, the more I am apt to want to steer clear of this individual.

Followers of this trend tend to be thought of as miscreants, hooligans or ne'er do wells by respectable society.

I do not know why I just do not get to the point. If your pants are half way down your butt you look like an idiot.

No prospective employer in his right mind would hire you if you came in for an interview dressed like that. Just thinking about the expression on his or her face makes me laugh.

So if you must must supplement your amateur skateboarding endeavors by burglarizing homes I would like to give you a piece of advice. You can not run from the cops if your pants are around your ankles.

While watching one of the national news channels yesterday I happened to witness a car chase in California. The gentleman driving the car was a suspected burglary suspect.

He was sporting this particular fashion trend. In addition to being chased by a neighborhood dog it appeared that at some point he had to stop to adjust his belt. Apparently this was unsuccessful and you witnessed him holding on to his pants while he was running to keep them from falling down.

It was quite comical and quite fitting.

Here is a question for you. Why wear a belt in the first place if you are going to let your pants fall half a foot below your waist line?

The moral of the story is if you are going to commit a criminal act you might want to dress accordingly.


About The Author:
Dan Bimrose is the creator of coffeeandprozac.com a website devoted to making people think, laugh or cry. Daily Opinions, Editorials, and Stories He suggests dropping bread crumbs so that you can find your way back on a daily basis.

Commuting-As Old As The Wheel

Author: Cliff Cohu

Commuting. The very word conjures up visions of frustration and long lines of vehicular madness. The idea is as old as man, even predating the invention that is responsible for our present state of insanity. The wheel. Before the appearance of these circular objects, man's mobility was limited to that of his lower appendages. In the process of time, our Homo Sapient ancestor would eventually tire from having to lug around his paltry possessions and come up with a better means of haulage. His wife would aptly become a source of contention in this matter of constant uprooting. Now that he had created something that he could roll around on terra firma, he set about finding a practical use for the wheel. Having observed that two of anything (not wives) is better than just one, his engineering prowess percolated towards the marriage of these two wheels to a single wooden axle. Add a box-like structure and Presto! A chassis. It was human powered, no less, but certainly now was taking on the form of someting supremely useful. By harnessing human bodies as a power source, there would be no limit to "man power" except for the confines of space. With a large family, you could have more than one vehicle parked on the street. The concept of "mass" (not mess) transportation was born. If necessity is the Mother of invention, then innovation is the Father. The wheel, being the result of the desire for easier locomotion, would evolve a number of "must haves." Namely, essential features that would enhance and complement the operation of this new contraption. Such as brakes, for example. Mans' trial(s) and error(s) would soon uncover the laws of gravity and inertia, spawning the realization that stopping a moving object is just as important as getting it started. Chugging up a hill with a fully loaded cart was the pits, for sure. The subsequent downhill ride initially seemed quite euphoric, to say the least. That is until the affected occupants with its cargo decided that they wanted to get off before...the tree! A third wheel was added to this conveyance. It's called the "steering" wheel. When man finally succeeded in the domestication of certain species of the animal kingdom as a new power option, it freed him toconcentrate his energies on improving this marvel of mobility. Over time, he would add comforts, enclosures and other "niceties" (rear view mirror, glove box, horn, mirror on wifes' sun visor.) Now let's fast forward to the 20th century. At its beginning, gasoline powered vehicles began to appear. Modern man and his unlikely nemesis, the dinosaur, had come full circle in the form of fossil fuel. (These beasts were no doubt the prime reason for man having to become increasingly more mobile. Anyway, who likes to get tramples on?) After more than 100 years of rapid development and engineering expertise, humans' love affair with the automobile would generate many perplexities. Pollution, city congestion, road deterioration, energy shortages, road rage; and more recently, a keen focus on global warming and skyrocketing fuel prices. And they call this progress? So we thought dinosaurs were "extinct". Well, it looks as though they have come back to haunt us in the form of Black Gold. Now who is in danger of extinction? There seems to be only one solution for humanity. Buy a bicycle. Or better yet, stay home.


About The Author:
Author resides in Tidewater, VA., with wife and two college age daughters. Enjoys writing, vacationing in his native state of Colorado and is a licensed pilot.

Author: Paul Steven

Betting is a great form of entertainment and its popularity has spiraled since its birth on the internet. People are now having bets on the most bizarre and surreal situations as well as having a flutter on sport betting, political betting and TV show betting especially song contests.

Through the years there has been some outlandish bets made that are the stuff of legend. Here we highlight some unique and sometimes unfortuitous bets.

The Man Who Bet on his own Life

You've heard of 'Cheating Death' what about 'Betting against Death'? Well, Jon Matthews from Milton Keynes did just that. Back in 2007 he was diagnosed with a rare form of lung cancer and given less than 9 months to live. Defiant Jon made a bet with the bookies of £100 at 50/1 that he would survive the time given for his condition. He did and won £5,000 into the bargain.

I'll Bet My House

Talking about having a premonition! Back in January of 1994, an unnamed man from High Wycombe sold his house for £147,000, bought a plane ticket to Las Vegas and walked in to Binions Horseshoe Casino and placed the entire amount on one spin of the roulette wheel. He put £147,000 on red. The ball settled on seven (red). He had doubled his money and then bought a bigger house.

Bet When The World Ends

This is a good one and perhaps the only strange thing about this bet is the odds. William Hill took a bet that the world would end on the 11th August 1999 at 12:50 pm. William Hill only gave odds of 1,000,000 to 1.

I mean if the punter was right it's going to be pretty darn hard to pick-up his winnings. Bizarre.

The £100,000 Bet For England To Win the World Cup

Back in 2002 when Japan and Korea were hosting the World Cup, England had a team full of stars and Beckam and co were being touted as favourites to win the competition outright. The media, as usual, were caught up in the frenzy of it all as England marched into the Quarter-Finals after beating much fancied Argentina in the group stages and then trouncing Denmark in the 2nd round.

In fact so much was the hype surrounding England that it went straight to one punters head where he placed a bet of £100,000 on England to win the competition. The West Midlands punter staked the six-figure sum at odds of 7/2 at a Ladbrokes shop in Birmingham and expected to win £450,000. Unfortunately, England lost 2 - 1 to Brazil in that Quarter-Final with the brilliance or luck of Ronaldinho being the difference.

And Finally ...

Remember, there is always a possible chance of an outlandish bet coming good. David Threlfal of Preston is testament to that. He placed a bet that Man would walk on the Moon before 1971. When Neil Armstrong planted his big space boot on the Moon's surface, Threlfal was £10,000 richer. Which was a lot of cash back in 1969.


About the Author:
Free Betting Online is a great resource for people looking to place free bets from Horse Racing Betting to Political Betting.

Unique Gifts for the Comedian

Author: Heather Rutherfordstone

So you have a comedian in the family, perhaps a close friend? Whoever this funny guy or gal is to you, you want to find them unique gifts. Finding unique gifts for the chronic comic is difficult because you have to walk the line between humorous and insulting. Here are a few unique gifts for a variety of gag gift tastes:

The Gross Gag Gifts

Gross gifts can be a big hit with those people who are constantly cracking fart jokes and laughing (hard) at their own gassy emissions. For this group there are a number of fart extinguishers, talking toilets, vomit identifier books and hairy butt calendars. No matter the occasion, Spencer’s Gifts is surely the best place to find anything of this nature. You may be surprised by the variation of gross gifts you can find but they’re sure to please the fan of the toilet humor.

Ironic Gifts

Ironic gifts are a personal favorite. Getting a 40 something man a pink porcelain unicorn always gives me a tinge of joy. Handing over a “Happy Second Birthday Big Boy” card to my mother never gets old. Just be sure that you do not choose a gift highlighting something a person is self-conscious about (a curling iron for a bald man for instance).

www.badgiftemporium.com is a great place to find this type of gift. You will find unique gifts for every comic on your list. Dog hair for your aunt, Hello Kitty dolls for dad, and an angel sitting on a burger for your best friend (best vegetarian friend). There are hundreds of unique gifts listed by average people.

The Gift of Comedy

Since gag gifts can be a risky choice, try getting your comedian the gift of comedy. Many stand up comedians now put out CDs and DVDs. You can pry and discover who the recipient likes or you can get a CD or DVD from your own favorite comic as a sort of referral. If stand-up comedy is not their thing try getting seasons of their favorite comedy show on DVD or a few of their favorite movies.

Silly Gadgets

Silly gadgets make great and unique gifts for nearly anyone. By a silly gift I mean something that is practical yet provokes laughter for whatever reason. I recall one year, my mother and I got my father magnetic poetry that featured pick-up lines. As my dad read through the cheesiest pick-up lines he began to cry from laughing so hard. There are hundreds of unique gifts out there that are capable of doing just this:

Funny Tee Shirts
USB Plug-ins
Calendars
Nostalgic Items
Fun Kitchen Utensils

For the best effect find an item that plays off of an inside joke. You and the recipient may be the only two in the room laughing but what a great, hearty laugh it will be.

While gag gifts may be over the top for some, there are still many unique gifts out there that are sure to tickle anyone’s funny bone. You will find that nearly all items can become a unique gifts when you keep a humorous eye peeled.


About The Author:
Author, Heather Rutherfordstone, is the co-founder of Argyle Gifts, LLC at www.argylegifts.com; selling unique gifts for special occasions of every variety. Check out our gift guide for more information on finding the perfect gift.

Men versus Women - Holy Cow are we Different

Author: BIVO

I know they have made games on the subject and songs about opposites attract, but as my wife hosted a jewelry party the other day at my domicile, it reiterated the vast differences between the sexes. Our jewelry party was well attended by female pals of my wife feeling obligated to buy crap they really don't need and didn't intend to buy. Two weeks prior, they got the invitation in the mail and assuredly cursed my wife's name followed by a comment like "crap, now I have to go to another one of those stupid parties and buy something I don't want because she is my friend." Of course the invitation says "just come, your presence is all that matters, you don't have to purchase anything, blah, blah, blah." Of course everyone knows better, if you don't purchase anything you feel like a schlep and once you leave, everyone will be talking about you, so you buy crap you don't want. NEVER, EVER heard of such a party for the guys!!!! Male gatherings involve beer and sports. Very simple and absolutely no obligation ever to buy anything. Can you imagine a guy hosting a Tupperware party? Hey Steve come on over, we are going to have some pops, snacks, and look at some Tupperware, no obligation to buy. Don't think so!! At Christmas, my wife hosted a church fellowship party at our pad. After the obligatory gift exchange, the ladies gathered in a circle, held hands, and sang Christmas carols. HUH!!! Don't see a gaggle of dudes doing anything like that, ever, no matter how many beverages we have consumed. I can see the invitation now. Tom come on over for a night of mirth and merriment. We will have some adult beverages, watch the football game and then maybe huddle in a circle and sing carols. Bet I would get a lot of takers for that.

Then the next day at work, more proof. One of my female co-workers decided to trade clothes with one of my other female co-workers. What would possess one to do that. I asked one of my male cohorts if he minded if I borrowed his pants for tomorrow at work. Surprisingly, he was not overly excited about lending his garb. This is not something that would even enter a guys mind.

My wife has said that this is because nothing ever enters our minds. True I am a much simpler person then my wife, but when things don't make sense, I call it as it is. Having a party that obligates your friends to annex goods that would prefer not to have, makes no sense. Trading clothes, no sense. This of course is just a few simple examples of how the sexes are so different but I suppose that is why we get along so well together - opposite's do attract, and holy cow are we opposite!!

If you found this article useful or enjoyable, please check out my site and other links at http://bivoblogger.blogspot.com


About The Author:
http://bivoblogger.blogspot.com

My Eighteen Month Old Little Girl Scares Me

Author: Dan Bimrose

I have two sixteen year old boys. I have one 6 year old son. I have two girls under the age of 18 months. I have learned how to handle the boys. I have a great deal of experience with boys. I was once a boy. That helps.

With girls however, I am breaking new ground. All of my children are perfect of course. Yet for some reason my eighteen month old little girl sometimes, well quite honestly, she makes me tremble with fear. Is she adorable? Absolutely. Does she make me laugh? Multiple times every day.

I am sure you are wondering by this point what exactly is the problem. I will tell you. She has an utter fascination with shoes.

I know, I know all little kids like to put on their parents shoes. No, it is much more serious than that. Admittedly she does not discriminate. She is just as likely to put on my work boots as she is her mother's tennis shoes. She spends the majority of the day clomping around in some oversized pair of shoes. So much so that I am scared she will turn her ankle some day.

So what is it that is scaring me? It is a combination of factors.

The first one is that "shoe" is one of the first three words that she learned. She learned how to say "Mommy" first of course. Then she learned how to say "shoe" and then she learned "Daddy". You can see where I rank.

The second thing is that she can walk in a pair of high heels as good as any adult. I am not kidding on this one. I have never tried walking in a pair of high heels. I do not know first hand what the difficulty factor is. I did have the impression, however, that it was a rather difficult thing for some to master. Yet my eighteen month old has done so. Is this normal? Is she a phenomenon like Tiger Woods? The problem as I see it is that Tiger Woods special ability would eventually make him millions and millions. My daughter's ability could potentially cost me dearly.

There is just one more thing. My wife told me the other day that while she was cleaning the house she walked by our daughter while she was flipping through a People magazine. Libby (a.k.a the princess) had stopped on a page in the magazine which was devoted to showing us what certain stars were wearing to a red carpet event. She was pointing at the footwear on each picture and saying, "shoes, shoes, shoes, shoes."

This can not be good for me. What does my future hold? I am scared to death that the next word she learns will be "mall". It is one syllable. It would be easy enough for her to say.

I am confident though that it will be a little while before she masters the words, "credit card".


About The Author:
Dan Bimrose is the creator of coffeeandprozac.com a website devoted to making people think, laugh or cry. Daily Opinions, Editorials, and Stories He suggests dropping bread crumbs so that you can find your way back on a daily basis.

Worst Case Scenario

Author: Jake Renolds

You've been backing up your computer diligently for a year now because you've heard all the horror stories about computers crashing and losing everything. So, just when you think you've got all your bases covered, a burglar comes in and robs not only your computer, but your backup drive as well. Never thought about online backup, right? Next time.

You've been looking forward to your golfing trip with your buddies all week and Saturday morning is finally here. You're out on the course, hole 9 to be exact. You hit a, how shall we put it- not so accurate shot- that rolls through the trees before it lands on the other side- surprisingly closer to the hole as you'd guessed. You continue onto hole 10, 11, 12, and uh oh... your arm starts to itch. The ball had rolled through poison ivy. Didn't think to check out the shrubbery it rolled through after hole 9 right? Next time.

You finally get those tickets to the Broadway show that your wife has been begging you to get all year. She's so excited, she can hardly stand it. You show up at the theater, sit down and as the row of attendants file into the row in front of you, the woman with the beehive hairdo and her mongo husband sit directly in front of you and your wife. You can't see a thing. Next time you might consider springing for closer tickets.

It's been a long day working in the yard and you've been promising your kids a trip to the water slides and pool since they woke up this morning. You get them all dressed and in the car, pay the ridiculous entry fee (these guys are making thousands, the place is packed) You've been in the tidal wave pool for maybe 5 minutes when everyone is forced to evacuate because a baby did his business in the pool. Maybe next time you should consider building your own pool...


About The Author:
Jake is an optimist... except when everything goes wrong.

Fatherhood According To Larry

Author: Sue Ticotin

My husband has been known to have some unconventional behavior at times. Some of it is intentional and some of it is not. I especially remember some of his earlier antics.

Men who grew up with much younger siblings are more naturally at ease with taking care of babies. Larry did not have this advantage. It soon became evident the night our friends, Jim and Sally, came over for dinner with their 6 month old child. Wanting to give my husband some practice time in handling babies, Sally handed over her baby to Larry to hold for a few minutes. He was clearly nervous and uncomfortable and didn't know what to do. When I announced that dinner was ready, Larry who is always the first in line when it comes to food, eagerly turned to put the baby down on the blanket so he could eat. Although my husband was not kid savvy, he was quite familiar with cats, particularly how they can survive falls from great heights. The fact that he was holding a baby and not a cat did not occur to him. He just didn't make that connection. Thus, Larry bent down so that he was within approximately a foot or so of the blanket and tossed the baby expecting that this little creature would make a perfect landing. Everyone stood in horror as the baby left his arms and clumsily landed on the blanket. We all stood with mouths wide open and out stretched arms hoping that one of us would be able to cushion the impact. Unfortunately, no one could react in time, but we were all quite relieved that the baby was okay and survived my husband's naïveté.

Shortly after this episode I became pregnant. My husband and I attended Lamaze classes as most expectant parents did. One night at Lamaze class, Larry shared his theory about how he believed that this birthing thing was not as bad as women made it seem. He was joking of course, but since no one in the room really knew him, his comments were taken seriously. He pointed out that many women of other cultures often gave birth in the farm fields and went right back to work. He felt that American women were pampered too much. His saw no reason why we shouldn't just get over it and go back to work immediately. My husband was not well received that night, but he loved the fact that he could stir things up so much.

When our son was born, Larry helped by doing the housework and anything else that needed attention. He became more proficient at holding and bathing the baby, and would occasionally change a wet diaper, but shied away from changing the soiled ones. After a month of this, I decided that he needed to do his share of dirty diapers. I issued the ultimatum.... Do it or wear it! I called him over and instructed him on what to do. I did most of the work, but after that first time handling a diaper full of those little surprises, he broke out into a sweat and had to go lay down on the bed. It simply was too much for him to handle. After all the drama, he went on to change hundreds of dirty diapers. In my mind, Larry was now officially a father!

In retrospect, my husband should have been labeled hazardous material and our family has the scars to prove it. Larry had painted our bedroom just prior to my giving birth to our second child. He had not gotten around to putting the sliding closet doors back on their tracks and instead just propped them up against the wall. One morning, my husband was getting ready for work and had moved one of the doors to get his clothes. I was still asleep and unaware of the perilous situation. As he was about to step out of the bedroom, the thirty-pound door fell over giving me and my nose a wake up call that I will never forget. After the initial shock and viewing the gruesome site, I immediately gazed over at my 3-week-old son sleeping in his bassinet at the foot of the bed. He was happy and sound asleep. My nose was broken and in need of stitches. The closet doors were hung back on their tracks that day.

Leaving my husband in charge of the kids always tended to make me a little nervous. Larry often enjoyed spending time cast fishing from a canoe with our older son who was 3 years old at the time. He was concerned about safety and always made our son wear a life preserver. Unfortunately, I should have insisted that our son also wear a helmet because one day Larry returned to the house announcing that we needed to go to the hospital. He had cast the fishing hook into the back of our son's head!

Our younger son did not fare much better in his father's hands. When our son was about 6 months old, I put Larry in charge of the kids so that I could do some errands. I would only be gone for an hour. What could possibly happen? When I returned, I was greeted at the door with that all too familiar announcement that we needed to go to the hospital. My son had fallen out of a chair and cut his head.

Over the years I've learned to anticipate certain behaviors, as my husband is predictable in some respects. However, sometimes there is just no way of knowing what he is going to say or do next. Living with him is never easy, but it is certainly never dull. Helmets are a must.

About the Author:
Beside writing humorous stories, Sue Ticotin's, Defining Elegance LLC also offers baby beddingluxury bedding and duvets , European fine linens, custom bedding, coverlets, throws, shams, baby bedding, decorative pillows, draperies, and accessories.

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Book Review- Mackbeth

Author: Oladokun Sulaiman

Macbeth by William Shakespeare is eleventh century classical tragic fatalistic drama, art as they say, is one philosophy that goes beyond science, because a good artist can see what many people cannot see, art comes in different form anyway, shakespare was one artist of those time, when people spill blood any how, when human refused to know their values, the importance of what we are, when human refused to know the reasons why we exist, and what is our missionon this beautiful planet, who are we???. Lack of understanding about this is what has led to war after war, clan seizing clan and enslave them until the point where by, they sell human in the market either in the face of gun by buyer or the oppression of the opportunist powerful seller on the less powerful. How can we equate our achievement with mass destruction of people with blood spill—I hate blood anyway , killing another human is the greatest sin that God will never forget anybody—killing can be in many ways also….but I tell you the bloody one is still more critical. we say we are civilized, I don’t think so, for many years the French have put up an adage that” quand il change ca ne change pas”. Which means the more it change, the more it remain the same -this is just too true, especially in reference to what we call society. In effect, it has not change in its essential from what it was in the past even thus we tend loosely to think of civilization as progress- I frankly no longer believe in that concept- but I respect human for what we have gone through in life, sometime for how we do it , but w hasve changed little since, we began to pretend we are civilized and the same thing may be said of our society. It is like we have been running in a loop for a long time, I just wish another age of enlightment will broke out to put this proverb obsolete.

Macbeth is a satire drama , that tell the fact that anybody who spill blood or colaborate in the process will never see good at the end of his or her time, they will leave as reckless people , people with no rest of mind , some will loose their brain , some will keep seeing bizarre thing that will be disturbing their life untill the time come to go . The story of Macbeth is about ambitionat its excess, believe in false myth, like status quo, witch craft, things loaded with uncertainty, dominion project of opressioonp. It is a story that advice all of us to recognize the virtue of patience, and wait for GOD time , because HE has good plan for all of us .we must endure hardship that comes with hard time to get to the right time made for us by GOD. It is also about how best and worst those who are partners in our life can save or ruin us depending on the level of their understanding about life and it purpose and level of anbition and how to patiently and honestly pursue it ar, it has been true for a long time that woman true ,ly creative force of life, most of good one are extremely intelligent , and the bad one are also more to the other side of the spectrum. that is why they say , beside every successful man must be a good woman- alas this goes vice versa with men in relation woman, i mean beside every successful woman must be a good man......ha,,ha .because the pendulum of life do really swing in two ways. The story also, is central of matter of gratitude, when we are given a chance or opportunity or reward or even favor, we should thank the giver and return the good with good, even it is equally good to return bad with good. Everything will come back to you anyway. Everything in the planet synergies and works almost in the same way as,there is no drain in environment or physical world is it for social world and the way nature is designed is to teach us reality – if you doubt this ,I advice to make a simple experiment just go and plant a tomato and see if something will be harvested.

being ambitious is good as long as you don’t spill blood, cheat others, and your conscience thumb up tor. Ambition is good, and acting on ambition is great, but not by spilling blood or maiming people, because we people are very important to the creator it is only in His hand lies the power to take the soul . Believing in witchcraft, or project links to killing is definitely not good, is a choice on the left side of the spectrum, if you doubt me, you take a minute to listen to your conscience.

Macbeth was too ambitious, because he was given prophecy that he will be a king. And he can’t wait to be the king, the wife can even wait a second, she advised Macbeth to kill the king , the king Duncan known to be a good king, a good king that has taken care of his people that is feared and loved. Macbeth was a fierce and war great warrior know at that time, yes, people can easily entrust their livelihood on a warrior , but sometime how we get there is what determine what our performance will be like. He killed the king , what follow such killing eliminating every other good people linked to goodness.,,,,my friend not only that battle of conscience – ONLY IF HE CAN KILL CONSCIENCE—Banquo was equally given prophecy that he will be nohing but his generations will be kings, but yet he decided to follw things as he coe and refused to force drive the ambition , we will see in the story, that the upright peeple will always end it well --lets see how it goes.

About the Author:

marine engineer



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Caricatures: an Historical Encounter

Author: Wain Roy

Humorous or demeaning, caricatures have always captured the attention of people from all walks of life. Caricatures, in their very essence, have a human appeal, which tend to exaggerate or distort a personality. These interesting portraits can be utilized either for fun or for political reasons. The term ‘caricature’ has its roots in the Italian language (‘caricare’), meaning “to charge” or “load”. The English doctor, Sir Thomas Browne, also provides an early definition of this word in his book, Christian Morals (first pub.1716).
Expose not thy self by four-footed manners unto monstrous draughts, and Caricatura representations.
with the footnote —
When Men's faces are drawn with resemblance to some other Animals, the Italians call it, to be drawn in Caricatura

Hence, “caricature” can ideally be called a “loaded portrait”. A number of renowned artists believe that a caricature should be a depiction of real-life people only. On the other hand, Walt Disney extended the bounds of this art by creating caricatures of animals that worked as human-like characters.

The art of caricature drawing has evolved over the ages. From the hands of Leonardo da Vinci, this art has now reached new heights in the hands of modern artists. As an instance of Impressionism, Leonardo da Vinci brushed excellence on canvas by using deformities of people as his models. Gianlorenzo Bernini (1598-1680), one of the earliest known practitioners of the art, was hugely popular for his skill in portraying human essence in barely three to four brush strokes.

Caricature, thus, saw its childhood days in the lap of French and Italian aristocratic families. In the 18th century, this art gradually spread to Britain, thanks to the contribution of Thomas Rowlandson (1756-1827) and James Gillray(1757-1815). Caricatures of Rowlandson chiefly drew inspiration from public figures. Gillray, in contrast, laid more stress in satirizing political life through visual representations.

The contributions of George Cruishank, Honore Daumiere, and Thomas Nast in the 19th century took caricature art to an altogether different level. They were chiefly renowned for depicting social and political caricatures. The 20th century saw further rise in the number of social and political caricatures. Besides, caricature portrayals are also being used in the corporate and advertising fields. Mort Drucker, Robert Risko, David Levine, Sam Viviano, and Sebastian Kruger are some of the notable names today.

The art of caricature has thus traveled a long way to be recognized a completely unique art form. Humorous yet meaningful, caricatures will remain as long as the human society exists.

About the Author:

Wain Roy is an internet marketing professional expert in various industries like real estate, web design, finance, medical tourism and caricatures



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Money, Money Everywhere

Author: Sandi Baker

Money, Money Everywhere

Have your thought about all of the different ways that you can make money? There are different ways to get people to visit your website. Now I am referring to those that will purchase your products.

Use all of those resources out there that are available to you. Don’t just look at the obvious. When it comes to advertising, we thing of banner ads, PPC, Adsense, and then there are links, and so on. Wait, there is more out there!

Here are the top three places that you need to place focus on:

Use Article Directories:

Now you may be thinking how can these help me? When you write your article you include your website link. That is just a small part though.
Most directories allow you to do a bit of advertising in your article. One must work this into the passage. One thing to remember is that many times this link needs to be below the fold.
The views of these directories are outstanding.

Here is a list of the top ones:
Ezines
Articles Base
Go Articles
Squidoo
Group.yahoo.com

Social Media Groups:

These groups are a great way to meet a wide variety of people. You can narrow down and accept or reject a certain person. During conversation, postings, and blogs, you may also advertise. The larger your group grow and the more views, the greater your exposure.

Here is a list of the top ones:
Facebook
Twitter
MySpace
Flickr
YouTube
Digg.com
Technorati.com
Del.icio.us
Stumbleupon.com
Fark.com
Furl.net


Blogging:

Write articles and include links. Many will allow you to do a small amount of advertising. This type of exposure is fantastic! Blogging is a way of life now.

Here is a list of the top Blogging sites:
Hubpages
Wordpress
Digg
Squidoo
Blogspot
Blogger.com

Author:
Sandi Baker
http://letusgetitdone.info

About the Author:

As the President and Founder of Let Us Get It Done, I am also the website designer. I have over 19 years in the marketing business. I also serve on the Board of Directors for a Non Profit Company that is dedicated to providing technology to the visually impaired.
I have a Degree in Business Management and Administration and well as an SEC License.



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Imagine That…(3) - Medical Turf Wars and Angels of Mercy Revisited

Author: Carl Pantejo

By Carl “J.C.” Pantejo, Copyright May 2008

Author “My Friend Yu – The Prosperity Mentor,” Copyright August 2007. Pantejo - Y.N. Vurce Publishing.

*The following story is incorporated in “My Friend Yu – the Prosperity Mentor: Book II,” Pantejo - Y.N. Vurce Publishing. Release Date: 2008.

“[Life] Amazing! Isn’t it?...”

- Medical Turf Wars -

“So, am I gon’na live?”

“Chief, I don’t know how you guys do it. I took a double-take on your birthday ‘cause your “biological” age and your “chronological” age just don’t match! What kind of veggies or vitamins are you taking? I haven’t seen a 28” waist since High School! I still lift (weights) regularly and am an amateur bodybuilder. What’s your bodyfat percentage?” He said.

Trying to get on his good side, I said, “I don’t know. Four months ago, the Aviation Medical Technician doing the prelims for one of my physical exams said it was ‘too low to be healthy’, I think. Whatever that means?”

He was the DMO (Diving Medical Officer), a lieutenant (Officer Grade 3 in the Navy), and in his mid-thirties (my age at the time). He was already beginning to bald, and slightly paunchy. He still had the big arms and barrel chest of a Navy Diver, but probably hadn’t seen a six-pack on his body for years.

“So, what’s your secret? My wife would go totally ga-ga if I could get my college body back.”

I didn’t want to tell him that the simple answer was to get rid of his wife. Single men tended to be more “hungry” and had less extraneous obligations.

And it took a very understanding spouse to put up with the lifestyle of “an athlete in uniform.” The hours of training were just too long for even the most loving wife.

I knew. I was on my second wife and the marriage’s prognosis looked very bleak.

Grinning at the doctor I said, “Amazing, isn’t it? I attribute my girlish figure to celibacy and pure thoughts.”

(In reality, I PT’d [physically trained] for at least 3 hours a day, ate like a pig all day, then drank beer and chased women at night.)

The rest of the time I wasted on frivolous things (like work).

We both laughed.

Then I asked, “Sir, when can I leave?”

“If it was up to me, I’d let you go now. But as you know, you need to be cleared by the ‘other guys’ too,” the DMO said.

“I can’t be medically disqualified right now. I got some important orders,” I desperately whined.

The truth was that I was to do some “exchange student” exercises with a few of my counterparts from foreign military units (e.g., Republic of Korea, British, Australian, and Thailand teams) in the next few weeks.

“Cobra Gold” was the official name of the annual joint military exercises held on and around the Pattaya Beach area of Thailand.

I looked forward to this yearly “Work Hard, Play Hard” event.

I especially loved the beautiful women. They’re always amazed that: 1) I am American, not Thai (I’m a mix of everything Asian) and 2) in spite of being “gaa” (Thai: old), like a Tantric Sex Master, I can go on for hours in the bedroom.

Similar to Jack LaLane on his birthday (who?), I added more “degrees of difficulty” (meaning, participants) to my personal exploits every year.

“Chill out. I’m sure you’ll be discharged in time to go to Cobra Gold. Jeez! I love that place! Anyway, I’ve arranged for my most responsible Corpsman to keep you company. Just don’t corrupt her too much” he said, smiling like the devil.

These “Medical Turf Wars” were a hassle for people like me.

Instead of periodic physical examinations by one doctor, I had to be cleared by several different doctors (e.g., Med/Specwar guy, Diving Doc, Flight Surgeon, PTSD Psychiatrist, etc.).

This meant having at least three, instead of one, rectal exam every year!

I never got used to that.

One year, after getting past the point of being pissed off, I invited all the nurses to witness my rectal exams.

Since all Military Hospitals double as learning institutions, there was never a shortage of an audience (mostly interns, new Corpsman, and fresh Nursing school graduates).

Laying prone on the examination table and my bare ass in the air, I proclaimed to the giggling group of students, “Have your way with me. My ass is your ass!”

The responses (and phone numbers afterwards) were well worth it.

But when I saw who was going to be my companion during her Duty Day, I didn’t mind that I’d be here (on a Submarine Tender Medical Ward) overnight.

“Thanks Doc!” I shouted as the DMO bade his farewell.

- Those Medical Slackers -

Looking down at the cute Filipina Corpsman at the foot of my bed, I asked, “Are you sure you want to hear this?”

“Yes, of course. I’ve read about it, but I’ve never met anyone who has actually experienced it,” she said, momentarily breaking her gaze away from my powerful erection to smile a little, naughty smile.

Did she just lick her lips?

Then, silently, she stood up, walked to the “wrong” side of the patient bed, reached across my body, and checked the I.V. bag and drip chamber hanging on a metal hook on the other side of the bed.

“Accidentally” smothering me with her chest, she whispered, “Oops. Sorry.”

“No problem, no problem at all, HN (Hospitalman, E-3 paygrade) Marisol.”

During my short stay in her Sickbay/Ward, we had already established a close, informal rapport. I teased her by addressing her by the appropriate military title “HN,” but then finished it with the totally inappropriate, overly friendly use of her first name (Marisol) instead of her last name.

I could usually tell when to cross the line or not.

Medical personnel (officer and enlisted alike) were notorious for employing lax military standards and sloppy decorum.

Line Officers called them “Slackers, referring to their apparent lack of military bearing. I couldn’t blame them (the medical personnel). In fact, initially, when I first joined the service, I was just like them.

You see, most military medical personnel were just biding their time, simply repaying the military back for their medical training. After one hitch (tour of duty), they usually left active duty to pursue a more lucrative, civilian medical career. This applied to the majority of doctors, nurses, and Corpsmen within all branches of the U.S. Military Services (Army, Air Force, Navy, and Marine Corps).

The U.S. Marine Corps had no indigenous medical personnel. That was why I, a Navy Independent Duty Corpsman, was technically a sailor, but, for all practical purposes, was a Marine at heart. Except for my mandatory stints at Navy Hospitals and “Tin Cans” (small ships), I spent the bulk of my career deployed with Marines (specifically, the Diver/Jumper types).

I spent equal time honing my technical skills AND my Marine (grunt) skills. Consequently, I had little time to gather dust. If I wasn’t doing the required CME (Continuous Medical Education - emergency medical training), I was busy diving, jumping, or shooting.

Since I love those activities, the years zoomed by. Before I knew it, over two decades had past and it was time to retire. Mainstreaming into regular, civilian life was hard for me. (But that’s another story).

Back to this story.

Almost sadistically, I prayed for missions because they had an immediate and direct focus (no trivial, unrealistic training and classes by some civilian geek or hospital administrator with no clue about real life operations).

Ninety-percent of any mission was spent on prep time (warning orders, mission briefs, physical examinations, immunizations, equipment checks, etc), travel time (ship, submarine, or airplane); and, once the mission was completely executed, aborted while in progress, or cancelled before going operational, there was the required extensive de-brief time and after action reports.

- My Angel of Mercy Revisited -

Turning my attention back to the sexy Corpsman, I said, “Hell, I’m just glad to have company!”

I had a big sh*t-eating grin on my face; mainly because I was not talking directly to her face, but to the uniform-bursting breasts that were currently dancing in front of my nose.

She blushed again.

With a half-smile, she resumed her position at the end of my bed –fixing her eyes on my blatant hard-on and continued her “Watch.”

“Imagine That…”

Marisol propped her elbows at the foot of my bed and held her face in her hands. The posture instantly conjured up “peek-a-boo, hide-n-sneek” breast fantasies in my head (both of them)!

In any other situation I would have initiated “full-body, hand-to-butt/bust CQB (close quarters combat),” but held back to examine my angel of mercy, visually savoring her youthful beauty and tight, yet buxom, body.

After looking at her full lips and angel face, I wondered if she liked big popsickles?

Then I continued my story about the first time I suffered from “Priapism,” an uncontrolled erection that often becomes a medical emergency…

…Okay, there I was, wildly falling through the air. My main parachute had malfunctioned and all my attempts to correct it proved futile. I was losing altitude by the second and now it was time to use the last resort: the reserve parachute.

The reserve chute was considered the last resort for a couple of reasons. First, it was much smaller than the main chute; and secondly, the reserve chute for this particular Army Infantry configuration was worn on the stomach. It was called “the belly pack,” because the rest of the soldier’s gear was worn below the main parachute pack on the soldier’s back. Located at the small of the back and extending down past the buttocks, this additional gear worn under the main chute was called the “butt pack.”

In this way, supposedly, the soldier was somewhat balanced in the weight distribution of his gear. Nevertheless, especially with a deployed (opened) butt pack (and its accompanied, lanyard connected, extracted gear), the normal, preferred vertical posture was almost impossible to maintain.

I had to jettison the main chute via its harness clips (specialized buckles with a two-step process for separating the shoulder harness straps from the main parachute risers).

The real trick was timing. Ideally, both buckles are to be opened simultaneously.

Bad news for me.

I couldn’t open both buckles together because I was wildly oscillating through the air. The parachute canopy above me looked like a bag of worms, while I felt like the main attraction at a public hanging, dangling by one riser.

This meant that I could only reach one buckle. The other riser was far above the first, tangled amongst shroud lines and the beginning of the canopy skirt.

The furthest buckle had to be opened first. If I opened the nearest buckle, I would have had to wrestle with a taught riser and a buckle buried under tight material. (It would be like trying to get to a coin embedded in a fist full of tight shoelace knots.)

Doing a pull-up and climbing past the exposed buckle, I cut away a mass of shroud-lines with my hooked shroud-line cutter, found the buried buckle, and released. Immediately my body assumed an awkward “hanging by one arm” position. The jolt of repositioning was felt all along the left side of my body. Not much pain (probably due to adrenaline). My left hand, arm, and shoulder felt numb and clumsy. I tried to re-stow my hooked shroud-line cutter, but…but, it was gone! I must have lost my grip on it when the opening shock jolted my body.

“Imagine That…”

Oh well, if I survive this, I guess I’ll have to bribe another Survival Equipment person for another cutter. (I wasn’t the best at sanitizing my actions. I lost or forgot gear often - a bad habit that would severely impact my life later on. Yet again, another story for later consumption).

Bribing a lower ranked Marine in the Survival Equipment shop was much easier than filling out the mountain of paperwork required when reporting missing gear for replacement.

Then I released the second (last) buckle, dramatically accelerated downward, and saw the tangled mess of the main parachute assembly, shroud-lines, and canopy material fly away from me like a bird of prey releasing a mouse that was too small to eat.

I put one arm out and rolled to my back (facing the sky) and assumed a “reverse free-fall position,” that is, instead of the normal free-fall position (face toward the Earth and spread eagle), I now looked more like a dead cockroach.

Ironically, through all this, I smiled while I rolled.

I always loved maneuvering during free-fall. It is intoxicating and called “relative work.” It really feels like you’re swimming through the air. It’s like doing gymnastics in a loud, raging river. For example, if you do a stiff-legged, double leg lift, your body is put into a reverse somersault. If you stick one arm or one leg further away from the body, you rotate in that direction. One birthday I did an ungodly amount of jumps and went to sleep that night exhausted, happy, and dreaming of being Superman.

Supine, I pretended to be a badminton birdy.

And within seconds, my free-fall was controlled.

Reaching to my belly pack (reserve parachute), I found the pull ring, and prepared to pull. In one, symmetrical motion I pulled the ring with one hand and abducted my arm (moved the arm away from my body) while simultaneously mimicking the same motion with the other arm.

It looked like I was doing the top half of a ballet dancer’s pirouette. The reason for this was aerodynamic symmetry. If I didn’t copy the motion of the pulling arm, there was a chance that I may rotate onto my stomach again – not a good thing with a “belly pack” reserve setup.

Experiencing “temporal distortion,” I saw the flaps of the reserve shoot open in s-l-o-w m-o-t-i-o-n. A small drogue chute peeked out of the pack and began to extract the rest of the material. It all seemed surrealistic, like I was sliding face down on a giant synthetic “silk” slide in the sky.

(My mind flashed to the briefing before this jump. Almost as a premonition, I asked the PR [Parachute Rigger] what were the procedures for a malfunctioned reserve chute.

With an evil grin, he said, “Do a Michael Jackson.”

“A what?” I asked.

“Beat it! Beat it! Beat it!” he chuckled.

“Imagine That…”)

Then the wall of moving silk disappeared and all of a sudden shroud-lines pulled taught and slapped me in the face.

In spite of being a smaller chute, the combination of my relatively light Asian frame and no additional weight from Infantry Gear made the reserve parachute’s opening shock turn me into the helpless victim of a T.V. Wrestler. I was getting the infamous “back breaker” maneuver.

Great.

Earlier, the first opening shock of the now defunct main chute made me feel like I was being split in half (from the crotch up); and now the God’s were trying to bend me in half backwards - like I was some chemlight stick that needed to be activated!

Oh well, at least my day was getting a little better.

I was now under a full reserve parachute, swaying like an airlifted cargo crate.

- Pondering my PLF -

The next challenge on my checklist was the task of doing a decent PLF (Parachute Landing Fall). The purpose of the PLF was to distribute the impact of landing across the whole body, therefore; theoretically reducing the chances of injury.

But my experiences over the years showed me that even the most perfect PLF’s can result in sprained ankles, broken legs, shattered clavicles (collar bones), fractured hips, dislocated shoulders, etc.

The Landing Procedures and textbook PLF is as follows:

1.Maneuver (steer) into the wind, so the chute falls behind you. This is easily done during training jumps. One only has to orient himself into the opposite direction of the wind as indicated by a windsock (on land) or a boat’s flag (over water). Just think “stab yourself with the windsock or flag” and you’re going into the wind. But during real missions, one had to use other clues (e.g., whitecaps on waves, swaying branches of trees, etc.).
2.Keep your eyes on the horizon – don’t look down. Looking down makes the jumper incorrectly anticipate ground impact because of the illusion of “ground rush.” It also compromises the vertical posture needed to perform a good PLF.
3.Raise hands over your head, grasp, and hold onto the parachute risers throughout the PLF. This minimizes injuries to the shoulders, arms, and hands by preventing the chance of “flail” injuries - if you’ve ever stubbed your toe, replace your toe with an arm and you know what I mean.
4.Point toes downward and slightly bend the knees.
5.Tuck in the head (chin to chest).
6.Upon impact, immediately allow the body to roll laterally to whichever side that momentum, wind, and terrain moves your body.
7.Spread your impact force over the following parts of the body: balls of feet, calf, side of thigh, buttock, side of back, rear shoulder.

When performed correctly, the body should naturally fall and roll; ending up in a sitting position and opposite your parachute.

But instead of vertical, I was laying backward at a 45-degree angle. The reserve chute attached to my stomach and absence of butt pack weight forced me to keep as upright as possible by continually pulling on my risers.

I felt like I was stuck at “half-rep” on a Lat-Pull Down machine in the gym set with a full stack of weight.

Oh well, the horizon was in full view. I’d just have to make do.

- Ouch, that’s got’ta hurt! -

If you saw the way I landed, you’d probably wince with empathy.

Like fans at an American football game who witness a particularly nasty hit (tackle), you’d probably say that familiar American cliché: “Ouch, that’s got’ta hurt!”

Instead of balls of feet, calves, quads, glutes, lats, delts, and roll; my heels hit first.

Then came the vicious ground impact on my coccyx (butt bone).

The next assault was to the back of my head (Thank God, my Protech helmet didn’t shatter).

I tried to stand, but only made it to my knees. Everything was a spinning, blur. I wasn’t sure if my chute was in front of me or behind me.

My question was promptly answered. It was in front of me.

How did I know?

It re-inflated and began dragging me, head first, along the dirt, grass, and rocks of the drop zone!

Whack! One lens of my goggles breaks. Now one-half of my limited vision looked like a muddy spider web. Afraid of plastic chards going into my eye, I shut both eyes and ripped the goggles off my face.

Whack-whack-whack! The side of my helmet kept bouncing off the uneven ground.

(Another gust of wind.)

I tried to lift my head.

Bad idea.

The wind shifted into second gear and the chute began dragging me faster.

Shroud-lines that had wrapped themselves around my helmet and neck forced my head back down into the rock-strewn earth.

Great, now I’m digging a trench with my face.

“Imagine That…”

(Continued in “Imagine That…[4]”)

Your friend in this Intrepid Journey called Life,

Carl “J.C.” Pantejo
Pantejo@ynvurcepublishing.com

Cobra Gold, Thailand, Sexy, Filipina, PT, physical training, Corpsman, Medical, Turf, tantric sex, parachute, reserve chute, PLF.

Other articles by the author:

“Imagine That…(1) - The Asian Angel of Mercy and Assassins.”

“Imagine That…(2) - Hazardous Duty Incentive Pay HDIP: Anything for a Buck?”

“Alternative Notions of Life, a Different Path, articles (1) – (7).” (This is an ongoing series of articles that focus on self-improvement, success, and happiness).

“Experiences from ‘The Flow’ series, articles (1) – (23).” (This is another ongoing series of articles about love, romance, Asian/Western relationships, relationship analysis, and more.)

“How Dare She! Out of Desperation I Learned How to Forgive”

“Remember Who You Are!”

“Need to Heal Your Broken Heart? Read on. Overcome Heartbreak and Learn the Illusive Secret of Happiness.”

“Simple (and Priceless) Life Lessons from the Most Influential Prosperity Mentor in My Life - My Father”

And much more!

(By Carl “J.C.” Pantejo and published internet-wide, keyword: [title of article] or “Carl Pantejo”)

About the Author:

He is a retired U.S. Military veteran. Believing that school was too boring, he dropped out of High School early; only to earn an A.A., B.S., and MBA in less than 4 years much later in life – while working full-time as a Navy/Marine Corps Medic. In spite of a fear of heights and deep water, he free-fall parachuted out of airplanes and performed diving ops in very deep, open ocean water. He went to Thailand 2 years ago for a week’s vacation, fell into a teaching job, and has never left!

Carl “J.C.” Pantejo
Pantejo@ynvurcepublishing.com
Founder, Y.N. Vurce Publishing
http://www.ynvurcepublishing.com



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The Down and the Dirty

Author: Elea Almazora

It is perplexing how most men seem to think that women can't take dirty jokes. Admittedly, we tend to draw the line at certain things (anything devaluing women can't be funny...unless we're talking about women who ALREADY demean themselves – like Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian). But we can be just as dirty as the next guy. We may not be telling them twenty-four-seven while drunk on beer and laughing our heads off, but seriously. Women can have dirty minds, and get some of the sleaziest jokes in the world. I am a testament to that, actually. I have been corrupting the innocent since 1998, and my cuteness – in conjunction with my filthy, filthy mind – have shocked the masses.

It might have started when I first got my hands on one of my mom's romance novels, which taught me about sex and showed me the marvels of innuendo. Or it may have been when I was even younger, when I thought that swearing was funny and eventually took pride in being dubbed by my father (as he introduces his family) as “my older daughter; she's the one who swears”. Or maybe it's because I practically grew up in the 90's, when disgustingly inane shows like “Ren and Stimpy” or “Beavis and Butthead” were the height of comedy. It's not that clear, really. In any case, I am not at all ashamed to say that I have an entire database of off-color humor lodged in my subconscious, rising at the most inopportune (but slightly appropriate) moments. Believe me, it's something else entirely to end up thinking of something disgusting and politically incorrect when talking to your grandmother about cats.

The difference, as I may have mentioned before, may be that women tend to not indulge in inappropriate humor as regularly as guys do. Maybe it's women who make jokes like that tend to be thought of as “easy” (in the case of jokes of a sexual nature) or worse, “one of the dudes” (in the case of jokes that involve bodily functions and pranks). Either way, dirty jokes tend to make women either unappealing as a romantic interest or fail to attract the attention of the right type of men. Some women don't care of course, but others take finding a decent man very seriously – and you can't find a decent man using fart jokes and other kinds of dirty humor.

But being the kind of person that I am, I marvel at how easily I break people's brains when I say something as nasty as the “Aristocrats” joke (look it up) and THEN smile innocently. My friends and family have developed an immunity (although my mother protests my habit of saying things like that for the “shock factor”), but acquaintances tend to stare and gape, not quite knowing how to react. The fact that I engage them in extremely intelligent conversation afterwards just boggles their minds even more, as the disjoint becomes even more palpable.

I realize that my mother may be right, that I'm collecting all these disgusting jokes for later use as a means of getting a lot of attention at parties, but at the same time, I wonder if I hold on to these offensive bits of humor because I have become sick and tired of the idea of men who tell them being barely given a reprimand and even defended with the line “boys will be boys”. I am far from being the traditional feminist who think that men should pay for their crimes, but sometimes I just wish that women are allowed to say something inappropriate just to let out some of the pressure – without the fear of being judged for it.

Personally, I think I'm lucky to be surrounded by people who understand that the way I talk doesn't necessarily have to reflect who I am. Persons can be totally smart but have an extremely juvenile sense of humor. At least, it should be allowed. I refuse to believe that the down and the dirty should be limited to men or the uneducated. I don't plan to be uptight about anything at all.

About the Author:

Elea Almazora, contributor to DirtyJokes.Com.Mx

Elea Almazora currently works as a contributor to many information-based websites, writing about many subjects ranging from culture to sciences.

For more information related to this article, please visit DirtyJokes.Com.Mx



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Life Insurance - A Funny Story

Author: James Lister

A life insurance broker named Steve was always the top salesman for his company. In fact, he just completed his 8th straight year as the number 1 insurance agent when he decided it was time to hang 'em up and retire.

His best friend and partner James took him out for a drink one last time - on company time, of course. James asked, "Steve, you're the best life insurance agent I've ever seen. For the past 8 years, you've been outselling everyone. And every time I ask how you do it, you never tell me. Now that you are retiring, let me in on your secret. How do you sell so many life insurance plans?"

Steve thought for a moment. "You know what, James, you're right. I do have a secret to selling life insurance. I've kept it to myself for all these years. But now that I am retiring, I can't think of a better person to keep it alive than you. So, I will tell you how I do it."

James started to get more excited as the thought of having this wonderful knowledge coursed through his mind. He could hardly contain himself.

"Tell me, Steve. What is it? I'm dying to know."

Steve took a sip from his drink and leaned back on his chair, scanning his surroundings to ensure that this top-secret data would not fall into enemy hands. He then leaned forward and began to speak.

"James, when you first start, you have to tell them about all the features and the benefits of the plan. Make sure you tell him - and always him - that it is his duty as the man of the house to protect his family. Doing otherwise would be considered a failure as a husband and as a father."

James seemed unimpressed. "Everyone does that, Steve. You know that. That isn't very insightful."

Steve did not seem concerned with James' protest. "Easy, relax. Just listen to me, and it will all become clear." Steve took another sip while James sat both anxious and nervous.

"Now," Steve continued, "during every presentation, I always suddenly stop my pitch and ask the client if he is feeling OK. Inevitably, he will always answer 'yes' to that question. When he does, I look at him in a strange way. And every so often, I will ask if there is anything I can do for him. Maybe get him a glass of water or if he wants a moment to himself."

"Interesting approach" replied James. "How effective is it?"

Steve looked around and then looked James square in the eye. "To be honest, it rarely works. But, it's the next step which always hooks them."

James could no longer take it. "Steve, please tell me!"

Steve smiled. "I always say: 'Please don't let me scare you into making a rushed choice. Sleep on it tonight. IF you should wake up in the morning, please give me a call and let me know. I'll by DYING to hear from you."

About the Author:
James Lister knows life insurance & how it helps families. Get the best whole life insurance & term life insurance information today. And if you live in Canada, check out how life insurance Canada can help protect you and your family.


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Imagine That…(2) - Hazardous Duty Incentive Pay: Anything for a Buck?

Author: Carl Pantejo

By Carl “J.C.” Pantejo, Copyright May 2008

Author “My Friend Yu – The Prosperity Mentor,” Copyright August 2007. Pantejo - Y.N. Vurce Publishing.

*The following story is incorporated in “My Friend Yu – the Prosperity Mentor: Book II,” Pantejo - Y.N. Vurce Publishing. Release Date: 2008.

“[Life] Amazing! Isn’t it?...”

- Volunteering for Extra Pay -

I was always pretty “open-minded” about extra pay. What the Hell, I got’ta work anyway, right? Why not get a little extra, for just a little extra misery.

One time I volunteered for Experimental Pay that involved me doing a cold-weather mission “while wearing a core body temperature data collection device.”

The data was needed to engineer better anti-exposure gear for missions where hypothermia was a real danger; and also to design nutritionally sound, cold-weather MRE’s (meals, ready to eat) individualized to the size and activity of each operator.

In reality, the “…while wearing a core body temperature data collection device” was the official way of saying that I and my whole team were doing our jobs in a very cold region WITH RECTAL THERMOMETERS FIRMLY LODGED UP OUR BUTTS AND ANCHORED THERE BY AN INFLATABLE BULB AT THE END OF EACH PROBE!

Needless to say, it was a hassle to take a dump – and rather painful if you forgot to deflate the bulb!

Another time, when the military was designing new ejection seat trainers for their jet pilots, I volunteered for ejection seat training duty. In the old days, the trainers used live charges instead of pneumatic propulsion and hydraulic breaks. I “shrunk” a centimeter or two (because of spinal disc compression), but later regained my full, manly height of 5’ 5” a few months later.

One more Extra-Pay Duty story?

O.K.

A study was ordered to measure the effects of full body armor (Kevlar) in the event of emergency egress from a downed helicopter. I got first dibs on this assignment because…well, mainly because no one else volunteered!

That should’ve been a sign.

Anyway, I strapped into the 9D5 NAWSTP (Naval Aviation Water Survival Training Program) helicopter emergency multi-egress/crash simulator.

The simulator resembles a giant oil drum. The inside “cabin” is about the size of the cabin of a troop transport helo. It is suspended above a small, training tank (pool) by thick, steel cables. When the operator/engineer is prompted, he releases tension on the supporting cables and the device slams into the water (just like a real helo would during an emergency crash landing into the ocean). Then, as all top-heavy helicopters do, the device begins to turn upside down.

I knew/taught all the correct egress procedures.

I remained strapped into the seat. I took a nice, long breath before the water level reached my mouth and nose. I kept a little internal air pressure in my nose to keep the water from filling up my sinuses.

(It’s always amusing to me how a huge Marine can morph into a panicky, little baby when confronted with an underwater emergency - simulated or not. The disorientation and water up the nose causes many rough and tumble, macho, overly muscled Marines to panic, unbuckle too early, and get trapped in the trainer.

I think the only other thing that produces more sheer terror in these finely tuned, mindless killing machines [translated: first-wave, canon fodder] is the sight of an immunization needle.

I sh*t you not! I’ve had many a monster Marine pass out when I waved a needle and syringe in front of him!

It’s hilarious and not really a problem.

My only concern is that the big boy doesn’t hurt himself with his fall to the ground, slump into the chair, or the instant, involuntary prone position on the gurney. After a nice chuckle, I just inject the passed out Marine with the originally prescribed medication, break an ammonium nitrate ampule under his nose, and tell the now awake killer that the brain surgery/castration/rectal exam is over and done with - no problem.)

Back to the helo crash simulation.

Inverted, I waited for all violent motion to stop. I took a handhold of the seat beside me and reached for my buckle. It was stuck/jammed. No worries. I’d taught this to my survival students and done this procedure thousands of times. I hit the locking mechanism with my fist, making sure it was fully locked down; then tried to open the buckle again. It opened. Cool.

But the normal smooth, underwater weightlessness I’d experienced in the past was replaced with a vicious surge to the surface. Like a bug on a car’s windshield, I was plastered on the upside down deck of the simulator.

“Imagine That.” Kevlar floats!

The body armor was so buoyant that I was stuck, upside down on the deck of the 9D5. Even worse, the rest of the gear I had on was getting snagged on everything in my egress path. Cargo hooks, helo frame, and seats proved to be just one more thing to disentangle myself from before I could leave the simulator.

I’m not sure how long I’d been holding my breath. Activity and emotional state can severely cut your breath holding time.

Outside the trainer, the safety diver, a buddy of mine, motioned the “need assistance” signal.

I smiled and waived him off.

Finally, I said “f*ck it,” grabbed my HEEDs (helicopter emergency egress device – a small SCUBA bottle the size of a large café-latte at Starbucks), purged the mini-regulator of water, and took a breath of compressed air.

This was always a last resort because ascent to the surface and breathing had to be controlled afterwards. On a breath hold, one could rule out the dangers of DCS (decompression sickness) and AGE (arterial gas embolism - the more serious condition when a bubble travels through the blood vessels and lodges in some rather inconvenient places; namely the heart or brain).

Oh well, it was going to be a longer day than I expected.

Without the immediate need for air, I methodically doffed the Kevlar vest, and hooked it around my arm. I looked at my buddy and waived my middle finger at the Kevlar vest.

My buddy took out his regulator, smiled, and stuck his thumb in his mouth. Then he simulated poking himself in the ass with it. The meaning was obvious: F*ck me! I’m never wearing Kevlar in a helicopter flying over the water!

And neither will I.

- A Bad Day at work -

Back to the situation at hand: “Big Army Parachute, Not-So-Big Man.”

I knew it was going to be a bad day when the archaic body harness of the big parachute and opening shock made me feel like I was being split in half - from the crotch up!

After beating on my numbed legs, I immediately checked my canopy and saw the next hint of my bad day.

Reflexively, I said out loud, “Imagine That” (my personal “bleeding down” catch-phrase).

For those of you who haven’t been indoctrinated into the wonderful world of hazardous duty, let me cue you in. Almost all operators have a “bleeding down or releasing pressure,” personal catch-phrase they say to themselves to instantly calm down.

These catch-phrases serve a vital purpose. They put you into a mindset that’s conducive to survival, especially when you’re “having a bad day at work.”

Catch-phrases will:

1.Delete damaging/time-consuming emotions from your current scenario.

2. Help you mentally step out of a hazardous/time-sensitive situation to facilitate quick – often life-saving - decisions objectively (as an observer, not a participant).

3.Relax you (even make you laugh) as you marvel at the absurdity of life!

Again, I said, “Imagine That.”

Above my head, instead of a heavenly full, round canopy, I saw what resembled a huge, used condom! Either a line-over or static electricity was preventing air from inflating my chute.

I was oscillating wildly.

All my attempts to inflate the main chute proved unsuccessful. I spread the main shoulder risers – nothing. I did a pull-up and climbed up on one riser and let go – hoping that the popping, spring action of my bodyweight would let some air enter the canopy. No joy. I looked for the usual 4-line release system (a way of controlling/steering a parachute by releasing four lines at the rear of the canopy), but then remembered that this was an old army chute with no such capabilities.

I pondered whether I should try and find the possible line-over and start cutting lines (one by one) with my hooked shroud line cutter.

By experience, I could “feel” that I had not regained terminal velocity (about 147 mph)…yet. It was probably because of the minor friction caused by the “Used Rubber” flailing above me. Physicists will tell you that one square yard will decrease your free-fall momentum by up to 20 per cent.

But a quick glance at the on-rushing ground (perception of ground color begins around the 10,000 to 12,000 foot ceiling) and verification with my wrist altimeter told me that I really didn’t have much time for playing Sherlock Holmes/Brain Surgeon with any offending shroud lines.

Damn, I hate it when this happens…

[Continued in “Imagine That…(3) - Medical Turf Wars and Angels of Mercy Revisited.”]

Your friend in this Intrepid Journey called Life,

Carl “J.C.” Pantejo
Pantejo@ynvurcepublishing.com

Hazardous Duty Incentive Pay, Kevlar, hypothermia, experimental, hashish, line-over.

Other articles by the author:

“Imagine That…(1) - The Asian Angel of Mercy and Assassins.”

“Alternative Notions of Life, a Different Path, articles (1) – (7).” (This is an ongoing series of articles that focus on self-improvement, success, and happiness).

“Experiences from ‘The Flow’ series, articles (1) – (23).” (This is another ongoing series of articles about love, romance, Asian/Western relationships, relationship analysis, and more.)

“How Dare She! Out of Desperation I Learned How to Forgive”

“Remember Who You Are!”

“Need to Heal Your Broken Heart? Read on. Overcome Heartbreak and Learn the Illusive Secret of Happiness.”

“Simple (and Priceless) Life Lessons from the Most Influential Prosperity Mentor in My Life - My Father”

And much more!

(By Carl “J.C.” Pantejo and published internet-wide, keyword: [title of article] or “Carl Pantejo”)

About the Author:

He is a retired U.S. Military veteran. Believing that school was too boring, he dropped out of High School early; only to earn an A.A., B.S., and MBA in less than 4 years much later in life – while working full-time as a Navy/Marine Corps Medic. In spite of a fear of heights and deep water, he free-fall parachuted out of airplanes and performed diving ops in very deep, open ocean water. He went to Thailand 2 years ago for a week’s vacation, fell into a teaching job, and has never left!

Carl “J.C.” Pantejo
Pantejo@ynvurcepublishing.com
Founder, Y.N. Vurce Publishing
http://www.ynvurcepublishing.com



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