Redneck How-to Guide

By: Jacob Mathews

There seems to come a time in everyone's journey down the highway of life that you reflect on your state of affairs and conclude that you'd like to become a redneck. As demonstrated by the armored car robber who used his loot to buy a house full of velvet Elvis paintings, money can't take the redneck out of a man. But, can an outsider join the brotherhood of rednecks with a little studying, a mullet wig, and some cold hard cash? As we'll see, the answer is "hell yeah!"

The first question we have to ask ourselves is "What exactly does it take to be a redneck?" Is it a part of your DNA or is it the way you part your hair? Is it a state of mind, or is it the state of Alabama? These are the questions that keep many redneck wanna-be's up all night until the butt crack of dawn. But beyond these deep philosophical questions, what are the nuts and bolts of actually becoming a certified redneck? As the bumper sticker says, "What Would Bubba Do?"

Well, the first step down the road to redneckville is to visit the rednecks and learn their ways. Don't worry, they won't bite. So take your time to study their language, play their games, and drink their beer. Just don't drink all of their beer, or they WILL bite. One of the best places to interact with rednecks in their native habitat is at the Summer Redneck Games, held annually since 1996 outside of Atlanta. Featured games include the Hubcap Hurl and Redneck Horseshoes, using of course a toilet seat as the horseshoe. And don't miss their Bobbin' for Pig's Feet Fest.

Now that you've studied the redneck, you're ready to put on a cut-off flannel shirt and try it yourself. Fortunately, entire industries have arisen to satisfy our redneck cravings. You won't have to search long to find redneck books and videos, redneck auto and truck accessories, redneck apparel, and yes, redneck food. In the food category, you'll find redneck cookbooks (think beer can chicken recipes), bacon flavored mints, exotic meats gift sets, and BBQ scented scratch-n-sniff undies. If, after feasting on all this, you're feeling too lazy to take your truck four wheeling through the mud, you can use a product called Sprayonmud, so you'll at least look like you've gone muddin'.

We'll, you're almost there. You just need a bit more practice in the redneck arts. So while you're waiting for your mullet to grow, take in a midget wrestling match. Learn to play "Sweet Home Alabama" with your armpit and palm. Luckily, there is not just one path to becoming a redneck, but many.

For more redneck humor, visit http://www.redneckgear.com/ where you'll find funny redneck products, jokes and humor, and redneck photos.

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